We Almost Died 6 Times This Year
If you've had a bit of bad luck this year, take this as a consolation prize - it could have been much worse. According to the New York Post, we dodged the apocalyptic bullet 6 freakin' times in 2017! Obviously the Barksdale Bubble is protecting us locally, but these 6 events would have annihilated most, if not all, life on earth! From Papal conspiracy to asteroid bombardment - we dodged life-ending events on earth like Ezekiel Elliot on a day he isn't suspended.
A good half of them were predictions that the Christian apocalypse would begin on a certain day - even though the bible clearly says that "No man will know the hour," (Matthew 24:36). On the up-side, all of the "prophets" that claimed doom was imminent this year have all corrected their predictions and moved them to 2018. Of all of the scenarios, this is the voted most likely to turn our planet into a heavy metal album cover. The others would most likely turn the planet into crumbs. Sure, asteroids hitting the earth would be bad - but we had a date with a whole planet!
The rouge planet Nibiru was supposed to smash into Earth this year as well. Spoiler Alert: It didn't. I kinda feel stood up, we didn't even get a call.
Check out the rest of the times we cheated whatever the planet version of the Grim Reaper here, and chin up. There's always next year.