Record Cold Produces Epidemic of ‘Chipped Nipples’

The cold snap that just rolled through the United States caught us with our pants down.  But really, who can be prepared for a "Bomb Cyclone," or "Polar Vortex," or whatever made up name they give the next freezing super storm that encases whole neighborhoods in ice - which totally happened in Boston a few days ago.  Some of the effects from the extreme cold were really out there.  Sharks died from shock, Iguanas were freezing and falling out of trees in Florida (they lived somehow), the ultra-rich had trouble getting to their yachts - it was pandemonium!

One of the most disturbing effects of this extreme cold snap is the "Chipped Nipple" epidemic.  According to the New Maine News, hospitals across Maine were inundated with patients suffering from extremely chapped nipples.  Unfortunately, even bundling up under layers of clothing to stay warm won't necessarily protect you from "hyperextreme nipple glaciation," or the dangerous drying and cracking of the nipples that can occur when temperatures dip below 10 degrees Fahrenheit.

Officials say there's not enough research yet on the effects of extreme temperatures on the nipples, but there are steps you can take to protect your chest raisins.  When it gets colder than a well diggers backside, go inside.  Find a fire or a heater to sit next to for a few minutes, or turn the heater on in your truck or car.